Heavy lifting

I was feeling particularly low recently when a friend said to me, "Linz - you are one of the strongest people I know." 

Say what, now? 

What a strange thing to hear when it feels like the universe is imploding on you. And also, what a nice thing to hear when it feels like the universe is imploding on you. 

I know I said I was feeling almost, sort of, maybe a little bit back to normal after what has been a rough couple of months, but the truth is, it sort of comes and goes. 

And when it comes, it comes in tsunami form. 

On the bright side, there are moments when I think that ACTUALLY, everything is fine. I can find that inner yogi-Lindsay place and just let go of whatever is bugging me. Because in the end, the things that make me sad and mad and anxious are pretty exhausting. And those feelings just aren't serving anyone. 

I mean, nobody is dying.

I go around telling people that happiness is a choice. So, I'd be less of a hypocrite if I followed my own advice. 

On the less bright side, despite all the letting go, I'm not sure you ever really get over losing something that was physically a part of you. I mean, maybe you can get over donating a kidney (actually I have no idea so please let know if you've donated a kidney), but losing a baby is a different story. Or, in my case, babies. 

I still can't hang out with the pregnant ladies without saying incredibly awkward things and wanting to cry. Does that make me selfish? All I can think about is, it was supposed to be me. I become painfully aware of how empty I am. In every sense of the word. Would an actual strong person, like my friend described, be able to suck it up and put on a smile of the non-fake variety? If you have the answer, I'd really like to know.

A friend of mine told me that when she was pregnant, all of a sudden everyone around her was pregnant. But I'm finding the opposite. Two miscarriages later and everyone around me just keeps getting knocked up. I guess the whole world is with child, all the time. The circle of life, as it were. Thanks for that, Simba. 

I suppose the circle of life also requires me to just keep going. Or just keep swimming, as it were.

In other news, where would this blog post be without Disney? 

There is a common way of thinking that goes something like this: "If I just had _______ then my life could finally begin and I'd be happy." 

Fill in the blank with any consumer good, life experience or paint colour. 

And despite my best efforts, it's this kind of thinking that I've been sucked into recently. But I'll fill you in on a little secret. Life is not in the future. Life is now. Right here. Today. 

Ta dah! Isn't it glamorous? 

The crappy stuff that makes you cry and the good stuff that makes you laugh and the pile of laundry that needs to be folded and the barfy feeling you get from eating poutine because it seemed like a good idea at the time... it's all right now.

There is no redo or restart and you can't pass GO and collect your $200. Or, whatever. You know what I mean. 

I've come up with a list of reminders. Little things that help me stay present, ride out the ups and downs, and also help keep the anxiety to a medium-low setting. 

1. Make the bed. Something about this activity calms my brain. Messy bed messy head? Perhaps.

2. Get nature-y. Spending time outdoors does wonders for the ol' nervous system. If you hop on a plane to Honduras to find the nature, even better.

3. Get a life. As much as you love your husband/boyfriend/partner/manfriend there's something to be said for relationships with girlfriends. One of the pluses of moving to Ontario has been moving closer to some of my oldest friends from university. Getting out to Toronto to see them has been a saving grace for me.

4. Get off Facebook. The more time I spend away from my phone and away from my computer, the more I feel like a normal person. Check out this very interesting article from the New York Times about how social media affects human connection.

5. Get quiet. Find a few minutes in your day to take a few deep breaths to shut out all the unnecessary noise. Especially if you're having a rough day.

And it goes without saying that exercising is also a big one. My choice, of course, is yoga. What helps you maneuver your less glamorous days? How do you stay in the here and now?

Let's hear it for the small picture.

It's common amongst advice-givers, myself included, to tell people to look at the big picture. As in, don't sweat the small stuff. Keep your eye on the ball. Let's call a spade a spade. 

Pretty sure that last expression doesn't fit in but I needed a third one. 

My current big picture is a bit messy right now, so for today, I'm looking at the small picture(s).

I recently read this article about happiness and its relation to gratitude via a woman's struggle to keep it together during her father's illness and after his death. And sometimes looking at the small picture, and being grateful for it, is exactly what we need to do to keep our minds from obsessing about the should-have-beens and the what-ifs. 

Without further ado, a small list of small pictures. 
 

I feel pretty grateful for my well-kept cuticles and (almost) daily pretty nails. 

 

 I'm grateful for an encouraging handwritten note from a dear friend.

I'm grateful for the smell of chocolate chip cookies in the oven. I'm thinking of starting a business where you just show up at people's houses and bake things to make their house smell nice. 

 I'm grateful for this guy, who lets me force cuddle him on a daily basis.

Messy soup.

So. 

I don't want to jinx it (double punch buggy no punch backs you owe me a beer criss-cross apple sauce) but I'm starting to feel like a normal person again. 

But it could just be this giant cup of coffee that's making me feel that way. 

I'm not entirely sure how to describe the past few months other than they have been a big bowl of messy soup in my head. 

The carrots weren't cut properly, all jig-jaggedy, someone forgot the celery and there were huge chunks of gross green pepper that nobody even wanted in there. Get out, green pepper.

Moving has been hard. To say the least. Confession: I don't love Hamilton. 

And then throw a few more things on top of that. Commuting four hours a day to work, getting laid off from that work, looking for more work, two failed pregnancies in three months and not really having a ton of friends. 

One miscarriage is hard. Two in a row borders on unbearable. 

I apologize to my newly pregnant friends, but I've had to hide you on Facebook. 

But that is another blog post.

All of the above is enough to leave even a semi-together person feeling not very together. In fact, I've been feeling a lot like I'm 24 all over again. Trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. Except I'm 33. And I've already been through this stage of life. Haven't I? 

And that's not the end of all the questions. I have plenty more. 

When I was living in Montreal, it was pretty clear what stage of life I was at. 

The one where you have a career and a good dude and your own pretty place to live and the future is all bright and shiny and (mostly) figured out. 

Almost a year later, things haven't really gone according to plan. I have no plan. And I always have a plan. 

The soup is messy. And it's kind of scary. 

I guess we venture into the unknown all the time. I read a friend's blog post recently about her decision to not go back to work now that her maternity leave is over. Maybe that's her version of messy soup.

It's become clear to me that I like to be in control of pretty much everything. Obviously this is not a realistic expectation but at least I know about it.

So, what's next for me? 

I have no idea, really. I'm feeling very in-between. In-between what and what? That's another question. 

Told you I had plenty.

But there are a few things in the soup that make sense. 

1. Teaching yoga is pretty awesome. It makes my day when a student comes to see me after class to thank me. It makes my day even more when a student tells me I helped them in some way. I know firsthand the benefits of yoga and if I can share that with other people, I'm thrilled.

2. Just as soon as you think you have things figured out, life throws some other challenge at you. You never have the answers. The only certainty in life is uncertainty. Someone smart said that. But not this smart someone.

3. Other people's (perceived) successes have nothing to do what my (perceived) failures. We spend so much time comparing ourselves to others, which is a waste of time for so many reasons. But it's helpful to see it on a logical plane. Which is sometimes difficult for us smarty pants females. If somebody I know gets a book deal or an awesome teaching job at fancy yoga studio or whatever else, it has zero implications on my own talent as a writer or ability as a yoga teacher. And whatever other reproductive health example you want to use. Ahem.

4. I have a very loyal man in my life. Our relationship is not always pancakes and unicorns but he is my person. And just having a person to walk through life with, over all the bumps, is worth celebrating. 

So, that's where I'm at. 

The three Rs: refreshed, rejuvenated and really good food.

If Montreal was a drug then last week I had a huge injection of it.

Ok. That's not the greatest analogy.

The BF is working nights this week, so that means I get to watch anything that isn't football. And last night I chose an Intervention marathon on A&E.

A few weeks ago, I found a great deal on VIA rail and because I'm a freelancer now, I just booked it.  Freelancers are jet-set like that. I checked the handbook.

When I usually go to Montreal, I go to see my parents. And since they are no longer together, there is always two of every visit and I rarely have time to see any friends.

 This was a friend/restaurant/shopping only trip. I stayed with a bestie (who also happens to be my hair stylist) and packed in as many visits into four days as I could. And also had pretty hair almost everyday.

My yoga teacher (it always comes back to yoga - haven't you figured that out yet?) said in class once, to surround yourself with your truth. At the time, I immediately thought of my friends in Montreal and my shortage of friends in Hamilton.

I've been here almost seven months and I'm not sure all of my truth has followed me just yet. I may have left it somewhere on the 401.

I've met a really great group of girls in my yoga teacher training course (and one dude - hi Chris! Two including my teacher - hi Andre!) and I hope we stay in touch when the course is over in January. I will probably make it so because little do they know, they're the only people I know in Hamilton. HEY GUYS YOU'RE ALL MY FRIENDS NOW SUPER FUN YAY CAN'T WAIT TO HANG OUT. I mean, I know the BF of course. And his family.

 Last week I lunched with good friends, I dined with good friends and I went to yoga with good friends. Which was followed by dining. I did a lot of eating. And every single one filled me up in a different way. There was a lot of laughing, some crying and a lot of reminders of who I am, exactly, the things I need to be happy and why I moved here (thanks for keeping me on track, friends).

I'm not sure what I expected when I moved but I don't think I expected it to be this hard. I moved all over the map in my twenties so I guess I assumed it was going to the same. Another new place, another adventure. I mean, let's not forget the time I moved to Washington, DC when I was 23, stayed in some shoddy hostel before I found a place to live, and ended up with a rash on my face a few weeks before my sister's wedding. Or the time I went to Mexico for 4 months and I almost wasn't allowed in the country. Or that other time I was kind of arrested in Cuba.

The difference is, there was an end to those adventures. And I always went back home. But now this is my home.

They say that when you meet the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, you just know. Well, I can vouch for that. BF is the guy. He is my guy. So, in a way, he is part of my truth too. He makes me crazy sometimes, but he's got my back 100%. Except when it comes to tidying. And what else do you need, really? In addition to a tidy house for mental sanity, of course.

I'll just need to make more trips to Montreal to get the full truth perspective. The full gamut of truth, if you will. And also to get my hair did. Because nobody here can do it as good as Ingrid.

P.S. Let me know if you want her phone number. Then you can be pretty like me.

Oh, hey universe. What you got there?

Sometimes in life, you just bounce along the path you've created for yourself and you're all "this is what I'm supposed to be doing everything is fine LAH LAH LAH." 

For example, you move to Hamilton from Montreal to be with your boyfriend. You get an agency job in Toronto. You make new friends at your job, which is fun, but you spend four hours a day commuting, which is not fun. You go to yoga as often as you can and do your nails late at night and then go right to bed because you have to get up at 6. 

When you wake up, you curse the sheet marks on your nails. 

Then you think of a time when you won't be commuting for so long and will have more time for yoga and more time to do your nails. And you're all "when we have kids, I'll do something else. Something closer to home. Maybe freelance. Maybe teach yoga. Maybe both." 

One day you go to work and your boss is all "I'm really sorry, we had to make some budget changes and we have to let you go." 

So, you panic a little. Money! Work friends! Shopping on my lunch hour! 

But then you rejoice a little. No more commute! More yoga! Pretty nails everyday! 

And just like that, the universe hands you your far off plan and makes it a RIGHT NOW OMG GO DO IT plan instead. 

It should be noted that I'm very lucky to have a very supportive BF who has been working his little buns off while I finish my yoga teacher training course and scour the greater Toronto area for freelance work. Which includes, but is not limited to, Hamilton, Burlington, Oakville and Mississauga.* 

Advertising is a very fast-paced industry with high turnover and agencies are winning and losing clients everyday. I've been laid off before, but I was on my own in Montreal at the time, and had just bought my loft. Needless to say, things were a bit different. I hustled my face off to get another job in two weeks. 


After all, I had Henry to think about. 



*I'm a super awesome writer so please email me if you want something written super awesomely.