Bugger

Things you would like to find in your bed:

1. Clean sheets.

2. Javier Bardem. 

3. Fluffly pillows. 

Things you would not like to find in your bed:

1. Bed bugs. 

Cripes. 

I've been getting bites in the night for about two weeks. Googling the shit out of bed bug bites, I was convinced mine were not the same. Still, I threw back my sheets every night and inspected the premises. Nothing suspicious. 

Until I woke up Saturday morning. My one or two bites a night had expanded to 12 or 13. I threw back the sheets again and there, going for a leisurely walk across my mattress, maybe to the bed bug dépanneur for some beer, was an effing bed bug. 

I screamed, smushed it in toilet paper and flushed it down the toilet. 

After an exhausting couple days of washing shit, going to my parents and sleeping in my turtleneck, the exterminator came today. He said he found 10 bed bugs living in my headboard. 

TEN. 

I'm sure they were all "Hey guys! This is silk! Let's move in! Only business class or better for us! Oh and hey! Let's poop on it too! Because it's white! And sillk! And that'll be super fun!" 

Little buggers. Super effing gross. 

I had to get out of my house for 4 hours, which is not really a challenge for me since I have a job and everything. Going to an office everyday certainly comes in handy in these situations. 

Henry, on the other hand, had nowhere to go. So I brought him to work with me. It's been a big adventure for him so far. 

Henry checks out the office: "I guess this office is alright. Not sure about that ceiling though."

Henry discovers the window: "Hey, Linz! You can see all the stores from... WHAT THE!? The Gap is having a 20% off sale!?"  

Henry and I have a conference call: "Let me just find that file for you. Oh, here it is. I named it eghdsfkjwtLAEJHISIEJ."