Sedarisly stunned

It's not every day you meet your writer hero. 


For most people, it's also not every day you make a complete idiot of yourself. 


Not me, though. I'm pretty much a pro at making an idiot of myself. 


And when you combine those two things together, meeting your writer hero and making an idiot of yourself, you're not likely to forget it. Ever. 


I went to see David Sedaris a few weeks ago at Place des arts. He read a couple stories, told a couple of jokes and was all around charming. 


I left the theatre feeling inspired. In the writer-ly way. 


I couldn't NOT line up to get my book signed. I brought my own and everything. This is the guy whose career I pretended to model mine after. Whose sense of humour was kind of the exact same as mine. The guy I sort of wanted to be when I grew up, except not a dude and not gay. We are but two humble nerds, united by our love of words, proper grammar and sexy sentences. 


While I waited in line, I planned how charming I was going to be, and how we were going to have so much in common. When the woman in front of me stepped forward to get her book signed, and Mr. Sedaris asked her what she did for a living, I did a cartwheel in my head out of pure happiness. 


This is my chance! He'll ask me too and I'll be able to say I'm a writer too! And we'll bond! And make sarcastic jokes! And he'll give me his agent's number and I'll be a real live author! And unicorns and rainbows and sprinkles and joy!


!!! 


None of those things happened. 


Instead, I stood there awkwardly while someone brought him dinner in a styrofoam tray. Some kind of sandwich with a pile of French fries. He asked me if I wanted any. Which was the beginning of the end for me. 


Me: Actually I have a one French fry a day rule I mean not just one fry I mean like an order of fries because one French fry WELL THAT'S JUST SILLY hahaha (nervous laughter) but today I had two apple turnovers so I kind of broke my one apple turnover of the day rule because see I got one for breakfast and then at my work they have snacks SNACKS IN THE BISTRO and they had an apple-y kind of strudel which smelled just so delicious I had to have some hahaha (more nervous laughter) I'm so crazy like that sometimes with the French fries and the turnovers and what have you hahaha (really pathetic nervous laughter). 


Him: Oh. That's nice. Here you go. 


And with that, he handed me my book. With a drawing of a turtle-dog. 


No witty banter, no exchanges about writer-ly things and definitely nobody giving anyone a literary agent's number. I awkwardly turned around and had to ask the nearest Place des arts employee how to get to the metro. Because in my nervous state, I had no idea where I was. 


Yep. I'm that cool. Aren't you jealous?