I don't want to jinx it (double punch buggy no punch backs you owe me a beer criss-cross apple sauce) but I'm starting to feel like a normal person again.
But it could just be this giant cup of coffee that's making me feel that way.
I'm not entirely sure how to describe the past few months other than they have been a big bowl of messy soup in my head.
The carrots weren't cut properly, all jig-jaggedy, someone forgot the celery and there were huge chunks of gross green pepper that nobody even wanted in there. Get out, green pepper.
Moving has been hard. To say the least. Confession: I don't love Hamilton.
And then throw a few more things on top of that. Commuting four hours a day to work, getting laid off from that work, looking for more work, two failed pregnancies in three months and not really having a ton of friends.
One miscarriage is hard. Two in a row borders on unbearable.
I apologize to my newly pregnant friends, but I've had to hide you on Facebook.
But that is another blog post.
All of the above is enough to leave even a semi-together person feeling not very together. In fact, I've been feeling a lot like I'm 24 all over again. Trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. Except I'm 33. And I've already been through this stage of life. Haven't I?
And that's not the end of all the questions. I have plenty more.
When I was living in Montreal, it was pretty clear what stage of life I was at.
The one where you have a career and a good dude and your own pretty place to live and the future is all bright and shiny and (mostly) figured out.
Almost a year later, things haven't really gone according to plan. I have no plan. And I always have a plan.
The soup is messy. And it's kind of scary.
I guess we venture into the unknown all the time. I read a friend's blog post recently about her decision to not go back to work now that her maternity leave is over. Maybe that's her version of messy soup.
It's become clear to me that I like to be in control of pretty much everything. Obviously this is not a realistic expectation but at least I know about it.
So, what's next for me?
I have no idea, really. I'm feeling very in-between. In-between what and what? That's another question.
Told you I had plenty.
But there are a few things in the soup that make sense.
1. Teaching yoga is pretty awesome. It makes my day when a student comes to see me after class to thank me. It makes my day even more when a student tells me I helped them in some way. I know firsthand the benefits of yoga and if I can share that with other people, I'm thrilled.
2. Just as soon as you think you have things figured out, life throws some other challenge at you. You never have the answers. The only certainty in life is uncertainty. Someone smart said that. But not this smart someone.
3. Other people's (perceived) successes have nothing to do what my (perceived) failures. We spend so much time comparing ourselves to others, which is a waste of time for so many reasons. But it's helpful to see it on a logical plane. Which is sometimes difficult for us smarty pants females. If somebody I know gets a book deal or an awesome teaching job at fancy yoga studio or whatever else, it has zero implications on my own talent as a writer or ability as a yoga teacher. And whatever other reproductive health example you want to use. Ahem.
4. I have a very loyal man in my life. Our relationship is not always pancakes and unicorns but he is my person. And just having a person to walk through life with, over all the bumps, is worth celebrating.
So, that's where I'm at.